a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
