can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
