I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i need some magic done to my vagina
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
