I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
