We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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