I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
