If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
