He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My bed is full of blood and feathers
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
