I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
