I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
