I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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