dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
