He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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