i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
