my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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