I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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