I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
where are you?
Hypothermia
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
