I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I think your dad took our porno
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
