My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
