i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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