Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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