Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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