Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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