I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
