Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I met the friendliest cop last night
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
