Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Congratulations! We have a period
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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