Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
