my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
