dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
