Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
