woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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