Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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