i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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