Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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