remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I AM VODKA MAN
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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