Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
