I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
