so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
