goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
