I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
