wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
