but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
