i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
