How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I AM VODKA MAN
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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