Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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