I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
