after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
