I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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