I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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