Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I cockslap morals
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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