Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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